[bell tolling]
[instrumental music]
Narrator: Manhattan,
New York,
USA.
In any discussion of contemporary America
and how its people live, we must inevitably start
with Manhattan, New York City, USA.
Manhattan, glistening modern giant
of concrete and steel,
reaching to the heavens and cradling in its arms
seven millions.
Seven millions.
Happy beneficiaries of the advantages and comforts
this great metropolis has to offer.
Its fine, wide boulevards facilitate
the New Yorker's carefree, orderly existence.
[horns honking]
A transportation system second to none
in passenger comfort.
Quaint little sidewalk cafes
make for leisurely, gracious living.
For its nature lovers,
the peace and privacy of a day in the sun.
The city offers delightful changes in climate.
I suppose you're wondering what all this has to do
with Mr. Blandings and his dream house.
Well, I'll tell you.
Jim Blandings is part of the fabric of this town.
Born and raised right here, he's as typical a New Yorker
as anyone you'll ever meet.
At least he was.
If you wanna know the real story, I guess I'm your boy.
My name's Cole. Bill Cole.
I'm Jim's lawyer and "best friend."”
Jim's one of those bright, young fellas
you see around town.
College graduate, advertising business,
lovely wife, two fine kids,
makes about 15,000 a year.
Jim and Muriel Blandings are just like
thousands of other New Yorkers,
modern cliff dwellers.
The morning it all started was just another of those
crisp September mornings
and the Blandings were still asleep.
[alarm buzzes]
[turns off alarm]
[alarm buzzes]
[turns off alarm]
[alarm buzzes]
Yeah, yeah.
[turns off alarm]
Oh.
[grunts]
[shower running]
[knocks] Betsy?
Betsy: Okay, dad.
- Joan. - Okay, dad.
No. Good morning, Theodore.
- Good morning, Mr. Blandings. - Good morning, Gussie.
- Hmm. Thank you. - Mm-hmm.
Hmm.
Mmm.
Thank you.
Looking for something?
My socks.
Why don't you look in your sock drawer?
That's where I found my underwear.
Oh.
Well, try your underwear drawer.
I am in my underwear drawer.
Well, they must be somewhere.
Socks don't just get up and walk away by themselves.
Muriel, I thought we had it clearly understood
that these two... two and a half top drawers were mine.
I thought-- why...
Oh.
The closet. That's where they are.
- We put them in the closet. - Put what in the closet?
Your socks.
There didn't seem to be enough room in the drawers.
Oh, and there's so much of it in the closet.
So Gussie and I decided that from now on,
we'd keep them in a basket on the shelf.
Hmm. Basket.
Oh.
This? This.
[crash]
Jim dear, I do wish you'd try to make a little effort.
I'll try, dear.
[sighs] Oh.
This is... [crash]
[Joan screams]
Father, just one morning, I wish you'd knock.
I beg your pardon.
[clears throat]
[sighs]
[clears throat]
[hums]
[scoffs]
[shower running]
J Home home on the range
♪ Where the deer and the antelope play ♪
♪ Where seldom is heard ♪
♪ A discouraging word ♪
♪ Home home on the range ♪
♪ Where the deer and the antelope play ♪
Muriel: Washcloth, dear. - Mm-hmm.
Thank you.
♪ Where seldom is heard a discouraging word ♪
♪ And the skies are not cloudy all day ♪
Muriel: Towel, dear.
- If you don't mind, dear. - One moment.
Ah.
Take your time. I can spare the blood.
Did you cut yourself?
I cut myself every morning. I kind of look forward to it.
Why don't you use an electric razor?
Can't get used to them.
Oh, that's silly.
Bill Cole's been using one for years.
- He hasn't got my beard. - Ah.
Bill's beard is just as coarse and tough--
I am not interested in discussing
the grain and texture of Bill Cole's hair follicles
before I've had my breakfast.
All I said was why don't you use an electric razor?
Because I prefer the clean sweep
of the tempered steel as it glides smoothly--
- No advertising copy, please. - Hmm.
And hurry up. You'll be late for breakfast.
Sure.
[bird chirping]
Hmm.
Who did it?
-Yes? - I did it.
Haven't I repeatedly told you not to cut up the morning paper
until I've had a chance to look at it?
I'm sorry, father. It's necessary research.
What's that? Another of Miss Stellwagon's
so-called progressive projects?
Coming through, Theodore.
Say, does Theodore have to have breakfast with us?
Can't you take him in the living room?
Dear, there just isn't any point
in sending your children to an expensive school
if you're going to undermine the teacher's authority
in your own dining room?
I'm not undermining anything.
I'm in the advertising business
and keeping abreast of the times is important to me.
So is your children's education.
- But that's not the point. - It certainly is.
- Not. - Bicker, bicker, bicker.
You drink your milk.
Muriel: Joan, every time your father and I
have a lively discussion, we aren't necessarily bickering.
What is it, Betsy? Another English composition?
Miss Stellwagon has assigned each of us
to take a classified ad
and write a human-interest theme about it.
I found one typical of the disintegration
of our present society.
I wasn't aware of the fact our society was disintegrating.
I didn't expect you to be, father.
Miss Stellwagon says that middle-class people like us
are all too prone to overlook--
Muriel, I know this is asking a lot,
but just one morning, I would like to sit down
and have breakfast without social significance.
Jim, you really must take more interest
in your children's education.
You can't squeeze blood from a turnip.
Alright. I listen.
- Shoot. - It's just 16 words.
I'm gonna call it A Minor Tragedy of Our Times.
Well?
"Forced to sell. Farm dwelling.
Original beams. Barn.
Apple orchard. Trout stream.
Seclusion.
Superb view.
Will sacrifice.”
- Go on. - That's all.
That's all?
You don't see it, do you, father?
No. A fellow wants to sell his house,
so he puts an ad in the paper.
What did you expect him to do?
Take it to the United Nations?
There must be more to it than that, isn't there, dear?
Certainly, mother.
What some people don't see is the whole sordid picture.
A poor, honest farmer pushed to the wall by hardship.
Until finally, in desperation, he's forced to sell
and stoops to the crass commercialism
of newspaper advertising.
Oh, indeed.
Newspaper advertising? Crass commercialism?
Miss Stellwagon says advertising
is a basically parasitic profession.
You don't say.
Miss Stellwagon says advertising makes people
who can't afford it buy things they don't want
with money they haven't got.
Oh, she does, does she?
Well, perhaps your Miss Stellwagon is right.
Perhaps I should quit this basically parasitic profession,
which at the very moment is paying for your fancy tuition.
And those extra French lessons.
And that progressive summer camp.
To say nothing of the very braces on your back teeth.
Jim, I wish you wouldn't discuss money in front of the children.
Why not? They spend enough of it.
- Bicker, bicker, bicker. - Uh-huh.
Girls, get your things and run along.
You'll be late for school.
Bye, daddy.
Give my regards to Miss Stellwagon.
[doorbell buzzes] I'll get it.
Oh, hello. We haven't seen you in ages.
Hello, Betsy. Is your mother up?
- She's in there. - Joan, come on!
- Wait. - Bye.
- Morning, Muriel. - Good morning, Bill.
- Hi, Jim. - Hello, Bill.
Thought you were going out
to Lillie and Paul's for the weekend?
I am. They'll pick me up in a few minutes.
But I thought better return these
in case you wanna go through with that Funkhauser deal.
Oh.
- Thanks. - Cup of coffee, Bill?
- Yeah, thanks. I will. - Gussie.
Personally, I think he's 2, $3000 out of line.
Yes, I-- I suppose so.
Of course, you could save that amount
by not tearing out the living room wall.
Well, it's sort of impractical, anyway.
- Thanks. - I-- I guess so.
Hmm? What wall? Who are you talking about?
- Who's Funkhauser? - Thanks, buddy.
- Uh, Bunny Funkhauser. - Who?
You remember Bunny Funkhauser, dear.
That-- that clever, young interior decorator
we met at the Collins' cocktail party?
You mean that young man with the open-toed sandals?
[sniggers]
What about him?
Well, uh...
you know how long we've said we've got to do something
about fixing up this apartment.
Well, a couple of weeks ago, he called
and, uh, I asked him to come over
and he had some simply wonderful ideas.
And...
I didn't wanna bother you with sketches and estimates
until I knew whether we could afford it.
So I sent them over to Bill.
Mm-hmm.
How much?
What's the point in asking how much
until you know what you're going to get?
I've seen Bunny Funkhauser.
I know what I'm going to get.
Well, personally, I think he's got
some fairly interesting sketches.
He's terribly clever. Look.
Here's how he sees our living room.
Isn't it charming?
What's that? A shoeshine stand?
It's a cobbler's bench, dear.
The room's colonial.
Breakfront. Hooked rug.
Student lamp. Pie cooler.
And over here is a Martha Washington desk.
Hmm. And where do I keep my powdered wig?
I think it's perfect. It's us.
Bunny says we're very American.
Very grassroots. Very blueberry pie.
Well, don't look at me. Bunny said it.
Now here in the hall...
How much is all this going to cost?
Well... well, the figure isn't accurate because it includes--
How much?
Well, $7000, Jim, but--
Seven thousand dollars?
Well, that includes tearing out a wall.
- And I quite agree with Bill-- - Oh, you do?
You're some lawyer.
A defenseless woman without the slightest conception
of the value of a dollar comes to you for advice
and the next minute, you've got her tearing out walls.
I am on record as being opposed
to tearing out walls, and so is the woman.
- If you'd only listen-- - Seven thousand dollars?
I wouldn't put seven cents into this broken-down rattrap.
Jim, how can you talk that way? This is our home.
Betsy was practically born in this apartment.
That does not make it a national shrine.
Now wait a minute. When I came in here this morning,
I had no intention of sending you to the Reno.
I thought I was doing you a favor.
And he was. He was showing you how you could save $3000
by simply not tearing out a wall.
I can save $7000 by not doing anything at all.
Yeah. You can save another 3500
by not buying her that mink coat.
And if you don't take that cruise to the West Indies--
- Alright, Bill, alright. - Ah.
Not a bad day.
You've already saved $15,000 and it's not even 9 o'clock.
- Hmm. - See you next week.
Bye, Jim. Bye, dear.
Have a nice weekend.
- Wait, I'll go down with you. - Alright.
[scoffs] Seven thousand dollars.
Blueberry pie. [crash]
- Good morning, Mary. - Morning.
What's that?
It seems we're in the midst of a situation.
- Hmm? - "W-H-A-M. Wham.
A whale of a ham."
What's it doing here? That's Johnson's headache.
Not anymore. Mr. Johnson is no longer with us.
Mr. Johnson lost the touch.
And guess whose headache it is now.
- Oh, no. - Oh, yes.
Oh, no.
On your desk, you will find
a directive from the high command.
What a morning. Bunny Funkhauser,
blueberry pie and WHAM.
- How's that? - Hmm? Oh, nothing, Mary.
Just a private joke between me
and whoever's going to be my analyst.
They sent down some of Mr. Johnson's handiwork
before he was drummed from the corps.
"July.
When you've got the whim, say WHAM."
Hmm.
"August, House and Stream.
For a Grand Slam in ham, try WHAM."
- Well... - I have some more over here.
Balance of last year's campaign.
September's the little gem that cost him his job.
Jim: Just a minute.
Mary, would you spend $ 7000
to tear out someone else's walls
when for a few thousand more,
you could find a nice old place in Connecticut,
fix it up and have the kind of dream house
you've always wanted?
I beg your pardon?
Bill: Well, that's the way it all started.
The ad was enough to convince Jim.
But Muriel was little tougher.
I guess the corsage did it.
There they are.
Two little fish from New York
out in the deep, deep waters of Connecticut real estate.
That's Smith, the real estate salesman.
Mighty shrewd cookie in a quiet sort of way.
Yes, sir, he knows a sucker.
I mean, customer when he sees one.
He sees one.
Well, Smith, looks like you're finally gonna unload
the old Hackett place.
The old, very old Hackett place.
Smith: Well, folks, there she is.
It's charming.
Uh, that is, for an old house.
Of course, you understand, Mr. Smith,
we're just window shopping so to speak. Nothing definite.
Oh, perfectly alright.
Jim: Not a bad-looking house.
But it's a lot older than anything we had in mind.
Well, [chuckles] she's no spring chicken.
But that's just what makes her such a buy.
Yep. A man's got just about everything he'd need here.
Nice big hay barn.
Couple of fruit orchards just over the hill.
Virgin stand oak grove
other side of the trout stream there.
A trout stream will give you your own
pure, clear, cold mountain water.
Paved highway right to your door.
Grocer from town delivers twice a week.
Easy commuting distance, yeah.
58 minutes from New York City.
Brand-new high school right down the road.
Yes, sir, 50 mighty pretty little acres.
Ah, fine old house too.
Four family bedrooms, plenty of closet space.
However, it's not just all these, you know.
You're buying a piece of American history.
You don't say. How's that?
Why, first year she was built,
General Gates stopped right here to water his horses.
Ah.
Old General Gates, huh? Civil War.
Huh? Revolutionary War.
Oh, that General Gates.
But I'm not trying to sell you anything, understand.
All I'm saying is that one of these days,
someone with a little imagination's gonna come along
and just steal this place.
- And I mean, steal it. - Hmm.
Smith: Guess I don't have to tell you, Mrs. Blandings,
what a woman's touch could do to a place like this.
Yes, sir.
You've certainly got to visualize.
Couple coats of paint,
a little pointing up here and there.
Shall we, uh, go up and take a look at her?
Oh.
Well, I suppose as long as we're here.
Oh, I guess it doesn't hurt to take a look.
I'll just see if the keys are up there where I left them.
It does have possibilities. You think we can get it?
Like taking candy from a baby.
Now don't lose your head.
Now you just keep quiet, dear,
and let me handle this.
Uh, tell me, Smith, what kind of price
is the owner asking for this old place?
Mm-hmm.
Jim: What do you think, Bill? Steal, huh?
Hmm, steal's an understatement.
Swindle might be a little more appropriate.
Oh, well... [chuckles]
What do you mean?
Every time you get tight, you weep on my shoulder
about the advertising business.
How it forces a sensitive soul like yourself to make a living
by bamboozling the American public.
Well, I would say that a small part
of that victimized group has now redressed the balance.
- What are you talking about? - You.
You've been taken to the cleaners
and you don't even know your pants are off.
Darling, I told you. I said we ought to call Bill.
Now, Muriel. Alright, just what's wrong with this deal?
First time around, you were offered
$10,000 for 50 acres, right?
- What of it? - That's $200 an acre.
I know that part of Connecticut.
One hundred dollars an acre is standard top-gouge price
to city slickers.
When the natives sell to each other,
it's around 40 or less.
Forty?
The man's entitled to a fair profit.
Not 284%.
Besides, you're not getting 50 acres.
You're only getting 35 more or less.
Where does it say that?
I refer to a rather obscure postscript
on the back of the second letter from friend Smith.
"Incidentally, Mr. Hackett has been
a little optimistic about the acreage.
It will probably survey somewhere
in the neighborhood of 35 acres more or less."
[scoffs] Alright, so it's 35. What's the difference?
Do you know how many tennis courts you can get on 35 acres?
You're not spending $11,500 for tennis courts.
- That's not the point. - That's precisely the point.
We're gonna write this fellow Hackett a strong letter.
Tell him he can either kick in with those 15 acres,
reduce the price, or find another sucker.
We'll do no such thing.
I'm not gonna queer this deal over 15 broken-down acres.
You just don't understand business.
- You mean extortion. - Now wait a minute.
Now put that thing down.
Look, you can't measure everything on a slide rule.
This house has certain intangibles.
Like what, for instance?
Like antique value, for instance.
It just so happens that General, uh, Gates
stopped right there, that very house
to water his horses.
I don't care if General Grant
dropped in for a scotch and soda.
You're still getting rooked.
That was a different war.
I think Bill's absolutely right.
Now let me explain something to both of you.
For 15 years, I've been cooped up
in a four-room cracker box.
Just getting shaved in the morning
entitles a man to the Purple Heart.
That still doesn't make this a good buy.
Bill, Muriel and I have found
what I'm not ashamed to call our dream house.
It's like a fine painting.
You buy it with your heart, not your head.
You don't ask, "How much was the paint?
How much was the canvas?"
You look at it and you say, "It's beautiful. I want it."
And if it costs a few more pennies, you pay it and gladly.
Because you love it.
And you can't measure the things you love in dollars and cents.
Oh, well, anyway, that's the way I feel about it.
And when I sigh those papers on Saturday,
I can look the world in the face and say, "It's mine.
My house. My home.
My 35 acres."
Our house. Our home.
Our 35 acres.
More or less.
So Jim cashed in his government bonds.
Gave old man Hackett a $6000 mortgage
and bought the place.
Then they drove me out to see it.
Muriel: This certainly isn't the way we came with Mr. Smith.
What in the world are Shrunk Mills?
Probably mills that have shrunk.
Seems to me we go left.
Over the bridge and turn right.
Left.
[instrumental music]
Congress ought to pass a law.
When a man buys a house in Lansdale county,
there's a prize.
He gets 10% off if he can find it.
Hmm.
Over the bridge and turn right.
Left.
[instrumental music]
You know, if you really wanna find
that house of yours, it's no problem.
Just pretend that you're one of General Gates' horses
and you're very thirsty.
Where would you go for a drink of water?
Hmm.
[instrumental music]
Well, I must admit, it's a very beautiful thing.
The house and the lilac bush at the corner
are just the same age, Bill.
If a lilac can live and be so old, so can the house.
It just needs someone to love it, that's all.
[clatters]
It's a good thing there are two of you.
One to love it and one to hold it up.
What did your engineer say when he checked
the foundation and that roof?
Now who needs engineers? This isn't a train, you know.
I just saw it move.
This house has been standing
since the second year of the Continental Congress.
You take one look at it and shingles start to fall off.
Look, let me do you a favor. I've got a client,
crackerjack structural engineer, Joe Apollonio.
Practically built the George Washington Bridge singlehanded.
Well, thanks a lot, but we're not building a bridge.
He's the fellow who advised the government
not to raise the Normandy.
They didn't listen to him,
it cost them five million dollars.
You have my word.
If I were raising the Normandy,
I wouldn't make a move without Apollonio.
Now would you like to come in and look around?
No, thanks.
[crash]
Jim: [groans] Muriel!
Muriel!
I think you'd better get in touch
with Mr. Apollonio.
The house has charm, hasn't it, Mr. Apollonio?
Of course, uh, any small changes would have to conform
to the character of the countryside.
- And still be functional. - Hmm.
Uh...
uh, what is your professional opinion?
- Tear it down. - Tear it down?
If your sills were shot and your timbers was okay,
I'd say go ahead, fix her up.
If your timbers were shot and your sills was okay,
again I'd say go ahead and fix her up.
But your sills are shot and your timbers are shot.
I'll show you.
Take a look at the way what she leans.
- Hmm? - Here.
Oh.
- Look, it has to be level. - Oh.
So I say don't throw good money after bad.
- Tear it down. Good day. - Hmm.
Jim: Thanks a lot. - That's okay.
And I send my bill to your office.
Bill Cole and his experts.
Never mind, darling.
- We'll get our own experts. - Hmm.
And so they got their own experts.
- Mr. Simpson said... - Tear it down.
On the other hand, Mr. Murphy said...
Tear it down.
And that's how our friend Mr. Simms came into it.
He said, of course, it was possible
to fix up the old place,
but why not build a new house,
same size?
Certainly wouldn't cost any more.
Why not look at a floor plan?
Here we are. Something like this.
First floor, living room, dining room, study,
kitchen, breakfast room, service porch, maid rooms.
Upstairs, three family bedrooms with two adjoining baths.
Hmm.
Well, it's, uh, very nice.
But don't you think it's a little conventional?
Mmm. Yes, Mr. Simms, of course,
if, uh, if we were going to build a house,
we'd want it, uh,
well, you know, just a little bit different.
Oh, yes, yes. Of course, this is just a point of departure.
You don't have to adhere to any of this.
Mm-hmm.
Well, uh, I don't think
we're at all ready to commit ourselves.
- Oh, no. - Of course not, I understand.
Well, now if, uh, if this were my house, I'd, uh...
Well, I mean, uh...
Now, here, for instance...
Jim: Now, in the study, if we could just push out
this wall a little and put in a built-in bar--
Jim: Excuse me, dear. Muriel: Huh?
Muriel: These bedrooms are too small.
And we'll have to have a little dressing room.
Yes, a-- and closets, Mr. Simms. Plenty of closets.
If there's one thing this family needs, it's closets.
Yes, if I might make a suggestion--
And bathrooms, Mr. Simms.
Uh, each bedroom must have at least one bathroom.
Uh, but that would be four bathrooms, Mrs. Blandings.
- I think I better point out-- - I was wondering.
Look, do you think we could manage a little playroom
in the basement? You know, nothing tremendous.
Just, uh... Well, something like this.
Well, well, of course, it's always possible.
But at the moment, our fundamental problem--
And I've always wanted a little sewing room.
A little utility room upstairs
where I could be alone and sew
or sulk on a rainy afternoon.
Jim: Yeah, uh, pardon me, dear. Now, Mr. Simms,
about that playroom, not too small.
You know, plenty of room for-- for, uh, dodge,
ping pong, nice big poker table.
Yes. If, uh, if you don't mind...
- And off the kitchen-- - And I think, now here--
- A stone floor and shelves-- - An awning and fireplace--
- Sort of a barbecue thing-- - A closet for gardening--
What do they call? Roasting pit. Uh, rotisserie thing.
- Oh. - For Sunday afternoons.
Well, let's see what we have here.
In the first place, I'm afraid...
In the first place, I'm afraid you've got the upstairs
about twice as big as the downstairs.
- It's all those bathrooms. - It's all those closets.
By extending that breakfast room,
you've eliminated the possibility of any stairs
going up to the second floor.
Oh, I've allowed for that.
You can put them in behind the pantry.
Mrs. Blandings, on that sewing room,
the way you have it there, the chimney stack would come
right up through the middle of the room,
leaving you with something in the shape of a square donut.
Which, of course, might be very warm in winter,
but otherwise of doubtful utility.
Can't you put the chimney somewhere else?
Look, I think I know just about what you two have in mind.
Suppose I go ahead with some preliminary plans
and then we can get together in about a week's time.
- Alright, you do that. - Fine.
Holy smoke.
Oh, I'm afraid we didn't realize.
Well, Mr. Simms, now don't you forget.
We've got to hold it down under 10,000.
That, I can tell you right now, is impossible.
Even with considerable trimming of the things
that you've indicated, I don't see how we can
bring it in for less than 12 or 12,500.
Twelve thousand five hundred?
Oh, well, I guess we're not gonna quibble
about a few pennies one way or the other.
Oh, uh, by the way, uh, have you any notions
as to how you'd like the old place taken down?
[chuckles] Why don't we just blow on it?
Well, so far, it's cost us $13,329.45.
But we have the nicest vacant lot
in the state of Connecticut.
Well, something will have to be cut.
These plans are just too elaborate
for the money you have to spend.
Jim: Alright. I'll make the sacrifice.
Jim: You can cut it out. - Now we're getting somewhere.
[softly] What's happening?
Dad just lost his playroom.
Muriel, as the house stands now, it's over $15,000.
Mother, may we, please, put Theodore to bed?
Yes. It just doesn't seem possible
for a house with such small rooms.
Mrs. Blandings, I've already explained.
It's not so much the size of the rooms as it is the number.
Now, is it absolutely essential
for each of your daughters to have her own room
with two closets and a private bath?
Yes.
You see, my, uh, daughters
are approaching womanhood and, uh--
I didn't realize they were approaching it quite so fast.
Perhaps what you need is not so much a house
as a series of little bungalows,
each with two closets and a private bath.
Um, well, um, well, what about that silly flower sink?
- We could lose that. - I beg your pardon.
Jim: Or that sewing room. That's certainly a waste.
May I suggest that neither of these
are really major eliminations?
Now if you could do with one less bathroom--
I'm sorry, we couldn't possibly.
A simple bathroom, 8 by 10 by 8
with grade-A fixtures would cost around $1300.
I refuse to endanger the health of my children
in a house with less than four bathrooms.
For $1300, they can live in a house
with three bathrooms and rough it.
[doorbell buzzes]
[knock on door]
- Why, Bill. - Hello, Muriel.
Well, you've done it again.
Once, just once, why don't you come to me and find out
it's alright, if it's legal, before you go barging off
and run yourself smack into another jam?
What's eating you?
I must say, Simms,
I hold you equally responsible.
- What? What happened? - I'm afraid I don't understand.
Did you let this idiot tear down that house?
What if he did? What of it?
Reconstruction was unsound
and totally impractical.
I quite agree,
but you're dealing with a man
who doesn't think before he acts,
who goes off half-cocked.
What is it? What did I do?
You're an architect. You must have been aware
of the legality involved.
What? What legality?
You knew there was a mortgage on that house.
- I assumed as much. - What happened?
- What are you talking about? - What did you do?
I don't know. They won't tell me.
Simms: Certainly, but since you were his lawyer,
I naturally assumed--
With a guy like this,
you don't assume anything.
Now just a minute.
I'm entitled to know what I did.
This is America. A man is guilty
until he's proven innocent.
It's the other way around, father.
- You go to bed. - Girls.
Bill, would you mind telling me in clear, concise English
just what crime I've committed and why?
In clear, concise English, you tore down a house
on which another man holds a mortgage
without first getting his written permission.
Well, I-- I did?
And in such case, the mortgagee
can demand full payment of said mortgage.
Mr. Ephemus Hackett so demands.
Six thousand clams.
And he wants them now.
- Now? - You've got ten days.
Miss Stellwagon says the problems of the parents
should be the problems of the children.
Well, you keep that in mind, dear.
It will help prepare you for motherhood.
Perhaps we'd better let the plans go for the time being.
No, Simms, I'll work this out. You go ahead
with your final plans and let's see some estimates.
Very well. You'll hear from me as soon as possible.
Goodnight. Goodnight, Mr. Cole.
Goodnight.
Six thousand dollars.
- Goodnight, Mr. Simms. - Goodnight, Mrs. Blandings.
What are you gonna do about the collateral
on your building loan?
I don't know. Turn in my insurance policies or something.
- Jim, you can't do that. - Why not?
Why, if anything should happen,
the children would be left unprotected.
- I'm not dead yet. - Well, of course, you're not.
I'll see the boys at the bank.
Maybe you can put up your insurance as collateral.
If necessary...
I'll sign a personal note.
Thanks, Bill.
- Well, I gotta run along. - Oh.
Jim, do me a little favor, will you?
The next time you're gonna do anything or say anything
or buy anything, think it over very carefully.
When you're sure you're right, forget the whole thing.
- Goodnight, Muriel. - Goodnight, Bill.
Hmm.
What a wonderful friend.
Hmm.
What's with all this kissing all of a sudden?
What's that?
Well, just because a man is helpful in a business way,
it doesn't give him extracurricular privileges
with my wife.
Well, that's a fine thing to say
about a friend of 15 years.
Well, I just don't like it.
Every time he goes out of this house,
he shakes my hand and he kisses you.
Would you prefer it the other way around?
Well, why is he always hanging around?
Why doesn't he ever get married or something?
Because he can't find another girl as pretty and sweet
and wholesome as I am.
Oh.
Darling, let's not be silly about this.
It isn't Bill.
It's the house that's upsetting you.
I suppose so.
Do you think it's worth all this?
Of course, it is.
It isn't a house we're building.
It's a home
for ourselves and our children.
Maybe our children's children.
Each with two closets and a private bath.
Well, here are the estimates.
But before you look at them, I think I better explain--
Oh, don't bother, Mr. Simms.
We're getting to be old hands at this sort of thing.
Of course, these bids are obviously way out of line.
That is, all except John Retch & Son at 21,000.
Twenty one thousand!
And with some judicious cutting,
I think we could pare that down to 18.
But we've only asked for the barest necessities.
Frankly, with all the extras that you two--
Never mind, Mr. Simms.
If you'll send us a bill for your services,
I'll see it's taken care of.
- Goodbye, Mr. Simms. - Oh, but one moment.
Mr. Blandings, in the first place--
Now in the first place, Mr. Simms,
I am going out to get my head examined.
Then if I don't jump off the Brooklyn Bridge,
I'm going to find the owner of our apartment building
and sign a 20-year lease.
- Goodbye. - Goodbye, sir.
- Goodbye, Mr. Simms. - Goodbye, Mrs. Blandings.
[instrumental music]
Jim: Do you think you could keep it down to 18,0007?
[machines whirring]
Well, things are certainly humming.
- What? - I said humming.
Oh.
Oh, there's my contractor, Mr. Retch. I'll introduce you.
We ordered that stuff over a month ago.
- Get down to-- - Hello, Mr. Retch.
Hi. Put a tracer on it on it right away.
Retch: We need that stuff. - Got a lot on his mind.
Hey, get out of the way. You wanna get killed?
- What's going on over there? - Oh, that's Mr. Tesander.
He's digging our well.
[machine whirring]
How long does that go on?
Three weeks now at $4.50 a foot.
I think I'd better have a little talk with Mr. Tesander.
Mr. Tesander?
Mr. Tesander!
[turns off machine] Yep?
- How's it coming? - It's coming.
[starts machine]
Mr. Tesander?
[turns off machine]
Yep?
What I meant was how far down are you?
Oh, about 130 feet.
- Uh, isn't that pretty deep? - Yep.
I mean, uh, do you think perhaps you ought to try another spot?
- Up to you. - Oh, uh...
Well, haven't you hit anything yet at all?
Hit some limestone yesterday.
Jim: That's good?
- That's bad. - Oh.
Tesander: Right now, looks like we're coming into some shale.
- That's bad? Tesander: That's good.
Oh.
Tesander: Of course, it might turn out
to be sandstone.
That's bad?
Can't tell.
Might be good, might be bad.
One thing you know, you got plenty shale,
sandstone and limestone.
- I see. Muriel: Mr. Tesander.
- How do you do? - How do you do?
Uh, just for the record, of course,
uh, what happened to water?
Oh, it's there, alright.
Just got to be patient.
[man speaking in foreign language]
Bill: What's wrong with the steam shovel?
Jim: Oh, I better go and take a look.
-Jim! - Come here.
Thank you.
[continues speaking in foreign language]
What's the matter, Mr. Zucca? Is something wrong?
How do you like that? I broke my bucket.
Two times this week, I broke my bucket.
What did you do? Hit a boulder?
That's no boulder. That's a ledge.
- What does that mean? - Means we gotta blast.
- Blast? - Blast, with dynamite.
What do you mean dynamite?
What do you mean what do you mean?
Mr. Zucca explained he has to use dynamite
to blast to get rid of the rock.
That's no rock. That's a ledge.
What Mr. Blandings means is, what precisely is a ledge?
A ledge is like a big stone.
Only it's bigger.
- Like a boulder. - No, like a ledge.
- Like a ledge. - Hmm.
Zucca: But you don't have to worry.
It only costs $6 a cubic yard,
plus dynamite and the fuse.
Well, how far will you have to blast?
Hard to tell. Might be a little baby ledge,
might run the whole top of the mountain.
At $6 a yard, do you realize what that means?
It means we gotta blast.
With a few minor deviations,
I know exactly where every penny is going.
- Is that all? - Yes, thanks.
- Hi. Jim: Hello, Bill. Come in.
I've just been going over the Knapp contracts
with old man Dascomb.
Excuse me.
While I was in there with Dascomb,
the conversation kind of got around to you.
Oh, what is it?
Well, he didn't say in so many words
that ever since you started fooling around with that house,
you haven't come up with one acceptable slogan--
- But. - But...
- Where is it? - It's there.
But since the WHAM account is the backbone of this agency,
I kind of felt that he kind of felt that
if I kind of told you that you'd know that...
- He knew that you knew... - He knew that you knew...
Well, what's he worrying about? The deadline is six months off.
[intercom buzzes]
Yeah?
Mary: Mrs. Blandings calling from Lansdale.
Okay.
Yes, Muriel.
What?
What? Tesander struck water?
Say, that's wonderful.
Bill, we've got our well!
Congratulations.
[chuckles] What?
Uh, what's that?
What do you mean we've got two wells?
Oh.
I'll be right out. Come on, Bill.
[instrumental music]
So you hit a spring, a bubbling spring,
right here in our cellar.
It will have to be diverted before Retch here
can pour his cement.
May take a while.
Pumps are over in Jersey.
Hmm.
Tsk, tsk, tsk.
Water, Mr. Tesander.
Yep.
At 6 feet.
Yep.
And just over there, you had to go down 227 feet
to hit the same water.
Yep.
Now how do you account for that,
Mr. Tesander?
Well, the way it appears to me, Mr. Blandings,
over here, the water is down around 6 feet
and over there, uh...
- It's down around 227 feet. - It's down around 227 feet.
Yep.
[instrumental music]
What's this? Another closet?
This happens to be our living room.
This isn't the living room, darling.
Living room's across the hall.
Well, then where's the dining room?
Uh, well, I-- I think it's, uh...
Maybe it's this little room here.
Oh, that's the breakfast room.
That isn't the breakfast room, that's the powder room.
Oh.
Just where is the dining room?
Well, it was right here a minute ago.
- We couldn't just have lost it. - Better put an ad in the paper.
Man 1: You know, I don't get this guy Blandings at all.
If you gotta build on the windiest hill in Connecticut,
why does he have to pick the windiest side of the hill?
Man 2: You know those New York millionaires.
Easy come, easy go.
Now here is the living room. Right?
- Yes. There's the fireplace. - Oh.
- Come right in. - After you, Rockefeller.
Hey, mister. You the owner here, aren't you?
- Yeah. - Just the man I wanna see.
I'll browse around upstairs.
On them second floor lintels between the tally columns,
do you want we should rabbet them or not?
The, uh, second floor tallies?
Second floor lintels between the tallies.
Oh, the, uh, lintels between the tallies.
Yeah, from the blueprints, you can't tell.
Do you want they should be rabbeted?
Um...
[clears throat] No, no, I guess not.
Okay, you're the doctor.
Hey, fellas!
If you got any of them rabbeted lintels set,
rip them up!
[clattering]
It sounded less expensive to say no.
[clattering]
Stop it! Stop it!
[whistle blows]
Man 3: Okay, fellas, let's quit!
Now look what you've done.
Oh, oh, look, men!
Uh, Mrs. Blandings didn't mean anything.
I mean, there's, uh, there's no point in walking off a job
just because a woman makes a silly little remark.
Look, mister, it's Saturday.
- We quit at 12 o'clock. - Oh.
Unless you want us to go on overtime.
Uh, no, no, no.
Very kind of you, I'm sure, but, uh...
Well, uh, see you Monday, fellas.
Uh...
I'm sick.
From the outside, this place looks like a grain elevator.
On the inside, everything's miles too small.
-Mm-hmm. - [thud] What's that?
- Hmm? What's what? - That noise.
It's upstairs.
[thudding]
What happened?
The door blew shut. I got locked in.
Impossible. I had this closet built especially for myself.
The lock opens from the inside.
Maybe for Houdini, not for me.
Nothing to it. A child could do it.
Look, I'll show you.
See? Just takes some good old Yankee know-how.
It's possible, darling, the lock works for you and not for Bill.
[scoffs] Ridiculous. Even you could do it.
- Thank you. - Look, come on, I'll show you.
Get in.
Now go ahead, dear. Just open the door.
I don't seem to be able to.
Well, it's perfectly simple.
You just take the knob and turn it clockwise.
Uh...
Hmm.
Oh.
Nothing like that good old Yankee know-how.
[bangs] Hey!
Somebody let us out of here!
[engine running]
Uh-oh.
Oh, dear.
[clears throat]
If I could just get over to that scaffolding. Hmm.
Well, seems a shame, but I guess it's the only way to do it.
- Oh. - What are you gonna do?
Don't get panicky, dear. I'll get you out of here.
Don't worry.
- Stand up, Bill. - Huh?
Hold that over the window.
Stand back, Muriel.
- Ready? - Roger.
[glass shatters]
In case of emergency, break glass.
Come on, Bill.
That's funny. There's no reason why they shouldn't work.
[thudding]
Oh, WHAM again.
Yes, sir.
Muriel, I thought we'd agreed--
Gussie, from now on,
no more WHAM for Mr. Blandings.
What about the rest of us?
Gussie, I'm sure there are other substitutes.
- Bacon, sausages-- - The children like WHAM.
Well, there must be other things--
Mrs. Blandings likes it too.
- Well, just the same-- - And I consider it very tasty.
Gussie, I spend eight hours every day
trying to cram this stuff down the throats
of a hundred million people.
I know all about it.
Its succulent goodness.
Its sugar-smoked tenderness. Its--
You don't have to sell me. I like it.
Oh, thank you.
Just bills.
- Darling. Jim: Hmm?
I'm going out to the place this afternoon.
Bill's driving me up to see about the landscaping.
Well, that will be nice.
What do you mean Bill's driving you?
Why do you always say what do you mean
when you know perfectly well what I mean and what you mean?
I mean, the moment I turn my back,
Bill Cole's driving you some place or something.
He's only being helpful.
I thought he was a lawyer. Why isn't he out suing somebody?
Bicker, bicker, bicker.
Hmph!
Well, we'll just see about that!
What is it?
- What's the matter, Jim? - Oh.
Mr. William Cole, please.
Hello, Bill. They can't get away with this.
I know my rights as a citizen.
Why, this notice from the owner of this building.
Yeah. He wants our apartment.
He's ordering us to move in 30 days.
Well, that's ridiculous. How can I move into a house
that isn't even finished?
Well, there are no windows, no plaster,
no paint or-- or...
Now you listen to me. I have no intention
of moving in 30 days.
This is not legal. I'm going to fight this thing
and I don't care if it takes every penny I've got.
Yeah.
Yeah. Alright.
- Well? - We're moving in 30 days.
So came 30 days and they moved.
That is, we moved.
Well, there she is bright and shiny
and just about complete.
The residence of Mr. And Mrs. James Blandings.
"Alright, everybody, out."
Guess you can't blame them for feeling
just a little bit proud.
[chirping]
Even Theodore's proud.
"Alright, alright, come on, men.
Let's have a little action here.”
"Okay, Mac."”
The big moment.
Aww, look, he wants to carry her
across the threshold.
Isn't that romantic?
[grunts] Watch that sacroiliac.
Fifteen years since you've done this sort of thing.
Nice work, Tarzan. Now let's see
if you can make it into the living room.
That's right. Go right in.
Don't pay any attention to the sign.
"Why don't you look where you're going?
Can't you see I'm varnishing this floor?"
"Stop painting that floor and put some planks
down in here or something."
"Okay, Mac, okay, but take it easy.
The Republicans ain't in yet, you know."
"There.
I'll just see Simms about this."
"Oh, father, wait till you see what we found.”
"Now what?
Oh, fine. No windows.
Well, we'll just see Simms about that too.”
- Where's Simms? - Around back.
Trying to figure out what to do about them windows.
What's the problem? You put windows up.
- Not these. They don't fit. - Oh, they don't, don't they?
Oh, Mr. Blandings, you'd better take a look at these bills.
What's this about the windows?
I'm afraid there's been a little slip-up.
These windows seem to belong to a Mr. Landing in Fishkill.
I spoke to him on the phone this morning.
- Well, has he got mine? - No.
He seems to have some windows that belong
to a Mr. Blandsworth in Peekskill.
Where are my windows?
Well, as near as we can find out,
they've either been sent to a Mr. Banning in Danbury
or a Mr. Bamberger in Waterbury.
What are we supposed to do? Spend the rest of our lives
in a house without windows?
It will only be a matter of a few days.
What's a Zuz-Zuz water softener?
How should I know?
You've got one.
Yeah?
"Furnishing and installing one Zuz-Zuz water softener, $285..."
I didn't order that.
I'm afraid I authorized that, Mr. Blandings,
to save your boiler and water pipes.
- From what? - Rust.
The plumber assures me that the water in your well
is the most corrosive in his entire experience
in the trait.
Another first.
Well, if it's necessary, put it in.
- We're moving in today-- - It's in.
Oh. Then get me the bill for it.
- You've got it. - Well, alright then.
That's right. Upstairs in the bedroom.
Joan: Mother! - That will be fine.
The moving vans just left and we waved goodbye--
Never mind. You two go and help Gussie in the kitchen.
Now, Mr. PeDelford, we'll talk about the painting.
- Okay. - I had some samples.
Oh, here we are.
Now first, the living room.
- I want it to be a soft green. - Uh-huh.
Not as blue-green as a robin's egg.
But not as yellow-green as daffodil buds.
Uh-huh.
Now the only sample I could get is a little too yellow.
But don't let whoever does it go to the other extreme
and get it too blue.
No.
It should just be a sort of
grayish yellow-green.
Uh-huh.
Now the dining room.
I'd like yellow.
Not just yellow. A very gay yellow.
- Something bright and sunshiny. - Uh-huh.
I tell you, Mr. PeDelford,
if you'll send one of your workmen to the grocer
for a pound of their best butter and match that exactly,
you can't go wrong.
Uh-huh.
Now this is the paper we're going to use in the hall.
It's flowered, but I don't want the ceiling
to match any of the colors of the flowers.
There are some little dots in the background
and it's these dots I want you to match.
Not the little greenish dot near the hollyhock leaf.
But the little bluish dot
between the rosebud and the delphinium blossom.
- Is that clear? - Uh-huh.
Now the kitchen's to be white.
Not a cold, antiseptic, hospital white.
- No. - A little warmer.
But still not to suggest any other color but white.
Uh-huh.
Now for the powder room in here,
I want you to match this thread. And don't lose it.
It's the only spool I have
and I had an awful time finding it.
As you can see, it's practically an apple red.
Somewhere between a healthy Winesap
and an unripened Jonathan.
Uh-huh. [glass shatters]
Oh, excuse me.
You got that, Charlie?
Red, green, blue, yellow, white.
Check.
Muriel: Oh, Joan.
I'm awful sorry--
You knew father was supposed
to carry the heavy things.
Well, father disappeared.
I haven't seen him for an hour.
Where's Uncle Bill, mother? He's gonna miss his train.
If they've run off somewhere, it certainly isn't very...
[thudding]
Heavens.
I thought you were going to take care of it.
- I thought you were. - Hmm.
You're gonna miss your train, Uncle Bill.
It leaves Lansdale in 25 minutes.
Actually, I hate to leave this little place.
Just four walls and a couple of nail kegs,
but to me, it will always be home.
- Isn't there a later one? - Not till the commuter special.
Tomorrow morning at 6:15.
- You mean 7:15. Joan: No, dad, 6:15.
What about the 7:15 I'm supposed to take
to the office every morning?
There's a little asterisk.
The 7:15 runs only Saturdays,
Sundays and holidays.
What? Bill, let me see that.
Muriel.
Oh, dear, don't tell me I read it wrong.
That's fine. For the rest of my life,
I'll have to get up at 5:00 in the morning to catch the 6:15
to get to my office at 8:00.
It doesn't even open until 9:00
and I never get there until 10:00.
Well, maybe if you start earlier,
you can leave the office earlier.
To get home earlier to get to bed earlier
to get up earlier, I suppose, hmm?
Maybe you can get the railroad to push the train up to 4:15.
Then you won't have to go to bed at all.
You're gonna miss your train, Uncle Bill.
- I'll drive you to the station. - I can drive him.
No, dear. You'd better save your strength.
You have to get up at 5:00.
It would be nice if you could spend
your vacation up here, Bill.
Mm-hmm.
We'll see how things work out at the office.
I tell you, I'll scour around
and see if I can find you a cottage in Lansdale.
Well, if you can't find me a cottage,
I can always move back into that closet.
[chuckles]
[bell clanging]
[coughing]
Oh! [clatters]
- Father! - Now look what you've done.
Oh.
Father, the first principle of lighting a fire
is to see if the flue is open.
A three-year-old child knows that.
Next time we want a fire, I'll send out
for a three-year-old child.
Now get that stuff cleaned up and then go on in
and help Gussie set the table. It's getting late.
Look, dad, your fraternity pins.
- Pins? I only had one. - There are two of them here.
Alright, alright, just put them away.
Funny. This one says W.C. on the back of it.
W.C.? William Cole. It must be Uncle Bill's.
Hmm? Let me see that.
- [whistles] - What's that?
It's mother's diary while she was in college.
- It's slightly torrid. - Let's see.
That's none of your business.
I'd say mother and Uncle Bill were somewhat of an item.
People do not read other people's diaries.
That's not a very nice thing to do.
Now go in and help Gussie with the table.
- Come on, shoo. - What about--
I'll take care of that. Now shoo.
Excuse.
Muriel, do you have to do that now?
There's no need to be so irritable
just because you have to shave at night.
- I'm not irritable. - Well, you're something.
You haven't said a civil word all evening.
Sometimes a man doesn't feel like talking.
What is it, dear? Something down at the office?
No.
You got a new slogan for WHAM?
It's not due yet.
Oh, it's something.
You're certainly upset about something.
I can always tell.
I'm not upset.
It's just that I don't happen to approve of falsehood
and deception, particularly in my own wife.
- What are you talking about? - Oh, nothing.
It's just that I distinctly remember your telling me
you gave Bill back his fraternity pin 15 years ago.
- What? - Well, did you or didn't you?
Did I or didn't I what?
- Give it back to him. - Well, of course, I did.
If I said I did, I did.
[sighs]
Then perhaps you'll have the goodness to explain
how this happen to fall out of your jewel box.
[laughs]
- What's so funny? - You.
You're jealous.
[laughs]
If you were so crazy about the guy,
why didn't you marry him?
Because I wasn't in love with him.
That's not what you said in your diary.
Oh, now you've been reading my diary.
Well, it-- it just happened to fall open
and I happened to look at it.
It-- it just happened.
I'll just bet.
It's all over the book!
Shh. The children.
[softly] Then why don't you admit it?
You were in love with Bill Cole.
Oh, don't be absurd. Of course, I was in love with Bill.
In those days, I was in love with a new man every week.
Then why did you marry me?
I'm beginning to wonder.
Maybe it was those big cow eyes of yours
or that ridiculous hole in your chin.
Maybe I knew you were gonna bring me out
to this $38,000 icebox
with a dried-up trout stream and no windows.
Or maybe I just happened to fall in love with you.
But for heaven's sakes, don't ask me why.
Muriel.
What time is it?
- 9:20. - Thank you.
Muriel, would it do any good to say I'm sorry?
- I don't know. - Well, I am.
I behaved like a schoolboy and I'm sorry.
Oh, Jim.
[chuckles]
Why don't you take the soap out of your ears?
Why do I love you so much?
Darling, it's awfully late.
Uh-huh.
Maybe you ought to go down and lock the doors.
What for? The windows are all open, anyway.
You have to get up at 5 o'clock.
Yeah, I guess so.
Goodnight.
So the days sped by.
And the bills and the extras.
And as autumn reared its lovely head,
so did the deadline for Jim's slogan.
It was practically a photo finish.
You better send out for sandwiches and coffee.
It looks like an all-night session.
What did Mr. Dascomb say?
He said, "Blandings, I want that slogan
on my desk by 9:00 in the morning.
Check?" I said, "Check."
Well, I guess you'll just have to dream something up,
good or bad.
I rather got the impression that it better be good.
Mary: Oh.
[sighs]
Funny how you look forward to the little things.
Rain, for instance.
For a month now, I've been looking forward
to the first rainy night at the house.
Big, blazing fire.
Muriel pouring coffee.
Me in my new smoking jacket.
With my pipe and slippers, reading my newspaper.
Oh, well.
Well, do you suppose my clothes are dry yet?
[knock on door]
Thank heavens, the children.
Sit still. You look too comfortable.
Yeah.
[knock on door]
Phew, what a night.
I-- I'm Harry Selby from down the road.
- Won't you come in? - Oh, thank you.
I'm afraid I'm gonna get your place all wet.
I-- I just came in to tell you
that the kids are safe, Mr. Blandings.
Oh, I'm not Mr. Blandings. Cole's the name. Bill Cole.
Friend of the family.
Just came in out of the rain.
- I'm Mrs. Blandings. - Oh, how do?
Oh, uh, Mrs. Williams just called
and says your phone is out of order.
She wanted me to come over and tell you the water's rising
and they've got the bridge roped off.
Your girls will spend the night over at her place.
Oh, thank you. I was beginning to get quite worried.
Oh, she'll take good care of them.
May I give you a cup of coffee?
Oh, no, thank you. I'd better be getting back
before I have to swim for it.
Well, night, Mrs. Blandings.
Goodnight. I'm very grateful.
Oh, not at all. Night, Mr. Bland...
Cole. Bill Cole. Friend of the family.
Just came in out of the rain.
Well, night.
Muriel: Goodnight. And thank you.
No bridge. That's fine.
How do I get back to Lansdale?
You'll just have to spend the night here.
Muriel, really?
With your husband in New York and your children away?
Think of my reputation.
Don't worry, Snow White.
You'll be just as pure and unsullied
in the morning as you were the night before.
That's the story of my life.
[clicks fingers]
Compare the price, compare the slice.
Take our advice, buy WHAM.
Oh.
[exhales]
[clicks fingers]
If you'd buy better ham, you'd better buy WHAM.
That's Boyle Petroleum.
If you'd buy better oil, you'd better buy Boyle.
Yeah.
[clicks fingers]
This little piggy went to market
as meek and as mild as a lamb.
He smiled in his tracks.
When they slipped him the ax,
he knew he'd turn out to be WHAM.
Yeah. "He knew he'd turn out to be WHAM."
It's gone! I've lost my touch.
Oh, well, maybe I never had a touch.
Who knows? I can't think anymore.
All I've got on my mind is a house
with an $18,000 mortgage.
And-- and bills and extras and antiques and-- and...
Oh, I don't know. I don't know.
Where are you going?
I'm going home to get some sleep.
And I'd advise you to do the same.
- But you haven't-- - Suppose I haven't.
This isn't the only job in town.
What will I tell Mr. Dascomb?
Oh, just tell him to...
Just tell him.
Muriel: I'm sorry Jim isn't here.
Simms: Oh, that's quite alright. I was on my way to town, anyway.
Thought I might catch Jim before he left for the office.
Sure you won't stay to breakfast?
No, thanks very much all the same.
Darling.
- Good morning, dear. - You must be exhausted.
- How did it go? - Fine, fine.
- Everything alright? - Everything's fine.
Oh, hello, Henry. What are you doing up with the morning dew?
Just dropped in to check the blueprints.
Some extras came in from Retch this morning
and there are a couple things I thought
we ought to go over together.
Really? What are they?
Well, let's see.
Well, a few things here that were alright, I guess.
"Mortising five butts, $1.98."
Well, let's not quibble about it.
A man's entitled to mortise
a few butts now and then.
"Extra hardware, $3.89."
Petty larceny, but let them get away with it.
Now there's one here that, frankly, I don't understand.
Here we are.
"Changes in closet, $1247."
Did you authorize that?
Well, we probably told him to...
- Twelve hundred and what? Simms: Forty seven dollars.
"Changes in closet.”
That's the end!
Uh, what's this notation?
"Refer to detail sheet 135." What's that?
Near as I can remember, that's something in back of the house.
Let's take a look.
Here we are.
Uh, it isn't a closet at all.
It's-- it's off the back pantry.
Mrs. Blandings' little flower sink.
Oh, Mrs. Blandings' little flower sink.
You didn't authorize any changes, did you?
Well, they certainly weren't changes.
What have you done?
I haven't done anything.
All I did was just nothing at all.
What have you done?
Well, all I did was,
one day I saw four pieces of flagstone
left over from the porch that were just going to be
thrown away because nobody wanted them.
And I asked Mr. Retch if he wouldn't just
put them down on the floor of the flower room
and poke a little cement between the cracks
and give me a nice stone floor
where it might be wet with flowers and things.
That's absolutely all I did.
- That's all you did. - Absolutely.
Just four little pieces of flagstone.
Uh, did you, by any chance, authorize a drain?
Of course, I didn't.
All I said was that I wanted a nice, dry stone floor
and Mr. Retch was just as nice as he could be and said,
"Well, you're the doctor.”
And that was all that anybody said to anybody about anything.
That's all.
Well?
I think I can tell you what happened.
First, the carpenters had to rip out
the flooring that was already laid.
Those planks run under the entire width of the pantry,
so Retch had to knock out the bottom of the pantry wall
to get at them.
Then he had to chop off the top of the joists
under the flower sink space to make room for the cradle.
Oh, I guess he got some iron straps
and fastened them to a large pan
to give him something to hold the cement.
And then with that added load
on the weakened joists, I'll bet he had to put
a tally column down there for support too.
- Mmm, I'll bet. - But it was just four little--
Quiet!
Simms: The main soil pipe runs under there on wall brackets.
So Retch had to get the plumber back, take out a section
so that he could get that cradle set.
[chuckles] And I'll bet he had to change the pitch
of the soil pipe from one end of the house to the other.
- Good morning, Mr. Cole. - Morning. Morning, dear.
- Morning, Jim. - Hello, Bill.
Simms: And, of course, there are hot and cold water
pipes hooked to the joists right under that pantry.
They run to the wing bathroom on the second floor. I'll bet--
The bridge was roped off
and Bill had to stay here last night.
Slept like a rock.
60 feet of armored cable between the main panel
and the junction box by the oil burner,
including the 220-volt cable that goes to the stove.
Morning, everybody. Wow, what a night.
I've never seen so much rain in all my natural life.
Gussie spent the night in Lansdale.
Gussie: I passed the girls over at the Williams'.
- They'll be on any minute. - Thank you, Gussie.
You better get breakfast started.
Gussie: Yes, ma'am.
Uh, where were we?
[clears throat] We were at the 220-volt cable
that goes to the stove.
And, of course, there are hot and cold water pipes
hooked to the joists right under--
Just a minute. You mean
the children weren't here last night either?
How could they be? The bridge was closed.
- I just came across it. - It was closed last night.
It's open now.
Well, uh, if you'll all excuse me,
I think I'll just go upstairs and slip into something
a little more comfortable.
[clears throat] Well, I guess that's about the size of it.
Except that Retch had to repair the pantry wall.
That meant getting it plastered back
and he couldn't possibly have broken through that wall--
Alright, Henry, alright, we'll take care of it.
Oh, I'll admit, it's a little steep, but I'll, uh,
I'll try and get Retch to knock $100 off the bill.
Uh, if I can't get that, I'll certainly try for 75.
Fine.
If he doesn't give a 75,
I'll make a stab at 50.
You do that.
Anyhow, I'm almost sure we can get 25.
- Good day. - Good day.
Bye.
Darling, you're upset.
You've got a lot of things on your mind.
Muriel, there's only one thing I've got on my mind.
This house and how soon we can get rid of it.
That's not what you're thinking.
Maybe it's not.
Maybe I'm thinking I was once a happy man.
I didn't have a closet, I didn't have three bathrooms,
but I did have my sanity, a few dollars in the bank,
two children who loved me, and a wife I could trust.
That's a fine thing to say.
I also had a job at Dascomb & Banton.
Something I don't happen to have at the moment.
-Jim! - That's right, I've resigned.
We're starting all over again from scratch.
And without this house!
- You love this house. - I hate it.
From its rabbeted lintels to its Zuz-Zuz water softener.
- You know you don't mean that. - Every word of it.
Anybody who builds a house today is crazy.
The minute you start, they put you on the list,
the all-American sucker list.
You start out to build a home
and you wind up in the poorhouse.
And if it can happen to me, what about the fellows
who aren't making 15,000 a year?
What about the kids who've just got married
and want a home of their own?
It's a conspiracy, I tell you, a conspiracy
against every boy and girl who were ever in love.
[knock on window]
What do you want?
Mr. Blandings, there's a matter of $12.36.
$12.36.
Why be a piker, Mr. Tesander?
Here, take everything I've got.
Spread it out amongst your pals.
Perhaps Retch would like a little something.
Maybe Zucca could use my new smoking jacket.
It's open house, Mr. Tesander. Help yourself.
Now hold on, Mr. Blandings.
This $12.36, you don't owe me.
I owe you.
- What was that? - Yep.
Found I overcharged you, almost 3 feet.
Better count it. I think it's all there.
Thank you very much, Mr. Tesander.
Well, uh, I guess I better be going.
You sure got a pretty place here.
Take good care of it.
Oh, uh, I'll tell Mr. Zucca about the smoking jacket.
Darling, what did you mean?
Are we really going to have to sell this house?
I don't know, dear. I don't know anything anymore.
In case anyone's interested, I'm leaving for town.
Oh, Mr. Tesander, could you give me a lift into Lansdale?
- Yep. - Fine, I'll be right with you.
If you wanna count the silverware, I'll wait.
Be patient with me, Bill.
Maybe one of these days, I'll grow up.
- What happened to him? - $12.36.
You mind if I say something?
You know, ever since this thing started,
I've been the voice of doom
about the whole project.
Every step of the way, I've been firmly convinced
that you were getting fleeced, bilked, rooked,
flimflammed, and generally taken to the cleaners.
Well, maybe you were.
Maybe it cost you a lot more than you thought it would.
Maybe there were times when you wish
you'd never started the whole thing.
But when I look around at what you two have got here...
Well, I don't know.
Maybe there are some things you should buy with your heart,
not your head.
Maybe those are the things that really count.
Well, see you around.
Bye, dear.
Oh.
- Oh, oh, Uncle Bill! - Well, hi!
[excited chatter]
Your mother's in there. Goodbye!
- Bye! - Bye! Morning, everybody.
Dad, why aren't you at the office?
Hmm? Oh, well, I'm on a kind of vacation.
You mean you got fired?
- Uh, not-- - We'll discuss it later.
Come and get it, everybody. Breakfast is ready.
Oh, good, I'm starving. What are we having, Gussie?
Orange juice, scrambled eggs and you-know-what.
- Ham? - Not ham, WHAM.
If you ain't eating WHAM, you ain't eating ham.
[laughs] Now you kids go wash your hands.
Muriel, darling, give Gussie a $10 raise!
[instrumental music]
[sighs]
Drop in and see us sometime.
Yeah, do that.
[instrumental music]